42 Ways You Know You're an Asshole

                This new tired, stupid list shit I see on the Internet.  People can't help but click and find out shit they already know.  From boring facts nobody cares about to when you're going to die.  There's a list for if your mate is right for you and there's a list for if your dog is right for you.  There are some that you write the list yourself and it tells you which goonie you're most alike.  When did this become a thing.  The steady slope of stupidity that America is, is as steep as the caveman's forehead.  Only cavemen had a progression and in this world of "idiot information" there's a degression of culture and context.

                  But I'm no different so here it goes,

1.  Fight Club is the best movie ever made.
2.  Watch any reality T.V.
3.  You watch U.F.C. and think if you had time to train.
4.  Think ISIS has a point.
5.  Give to United Way instead of volunteering yourself, they have a millionaire CEO!
6.  Think Obama cured racism.
7.  Believe in global warming.
8.  Don't believe in global warming.
9.  Grown man and Taylor Swift is your shit behind close doors.
10.  Have a tennis fantasy league.
11.  Wear skinny jeans and you're over 30.
12.  Think the electoral college works.
13.  Have a sticker on your back car window of 13.2 mi.
14.  Have a sticker on your back car window of 26.2 mi.
15.  Have a sticker on your back car window of 100 mi.
16.  Have a sticker on your back car window of any mileage but it was already on the car when you bought it.
17.  Think Game of Thrones was based on a true story.
18.  Watch Walking Dead and think it's better than Breaking Bad.
19.  Only watched the last episode of Breaking Bad and then had to watch the whole series.
20.  Never heard a studio audience.
21.  Vegans.
22.  Eat fast food for every meal.
23.  Think terroist are anybody with a beard and dark skin.
24.  Use all the toilet paper and don't replace roll.
25.  Ever watched CNN and totally agreed with everything.
26.  Ever watched Fox News and totally agreed with everything.
27.  Hate Jesus.
28.  Hate Jews.
29.  Hate kids.
30.  Think you don't want kids because watching your nephew is the same.
31.  Talk about things you've only read about like you've experienced them in life.
32.  Think the government is out to get you.
33.  Yell at people with your windows rolled up in shitty traffic.
34.  Gave middle finger to someone in traffic and noticed they had a child in back seat.
35.  Driven your friends to a gig with hopes of a guest spot.   
36.  Leave the light on to scare roaches away.
37.  Taken advantage of a homeless person because they needed a place to stay.
38.  Touch kids.
39.  Realize life is empty.
40.  Eat pizza for breakfast.
41.  Laughed at Steve Harvey's comedy.
42.  Read this blog. (obviously)

                     The hard part about this form of shit is stopping.
    

I Got Robbed

      Call her Bella.  A green eyed, black kitten that we found at a grocery store parking lot a few years ago.  My wife (at the time) decided to keep this rodent till, fast forward, moving into a new place and a pet deposit is out of the question.  So she gives Bella to my in-laws.  Needless to say Bella died within 6 months.  Before Bella died she had kittens, so her legacy will live on, yada yada, sad but purposful life or whatever.


      The next part of this story is second hand considering I was working or being "selfish" telling jokes at the time of the incident.

      -Fast forward a couple of weeks after Bella dies.  My four year old daughter visiting with her grandparents with her Momma on a Sunday, starts asking "Where's Bella?"  My stupid brother-in-law opens his big mouth and starts in with, "Bella died and went to heaven."  Of course that's not the end of it.  Apparently from what my innocent baby girl recalled when I picked her from school the next day, "Bella is in heaven with the love of Jesus and God and she lives in a big mansion."  And when she (my innocent baby girl) dies, "she's going to heaven to see Bella's mansion."-

       The words choked me up when I heard this from my bright eyed littled girl.  That idiot brother in-law robbed me of a moment with my little girl.  Word of advice if a kid asks you a question about a subject that might change the way they see the world forever and you didnt help make them directly, tell them to ask their parents instead of taking it upon yourself to plant seeds of "wisdom" on your own.  Of course that wasn't the end of it....

      "Daddy what's Jesus?" "What's God?" "What's love?"  These questions were pouring out of her face faster than the time she caught a stomach virus from school.  She needed these questions answered as we made our way to happy hour (Sonic, relax.)  I told her to lets get a drink first and I would tell her the answers to her questions.  I figured I'd buy some time and maybe her attention span would help me out and she'd forget the whole subject.

We pulled into Sonic and ordered, "I'll take a strawberry banana shake and the lady will have a small banana cream shake, extra cherries please." My baby girl said, "While we wait daddy, can you tell me what God is?"

-DAMMIT ! (on the inside)

Listen, I'm not a believer or non-believer, I just don't know.

I lead in by saying, "God is different for everybody and not everybody believes in the same god or even that there is a god, which is ok.  Daddy believes in God, but not how uncle Roland believes in God.  To Daddy, God is a feeling you get when you connect to other people.  When you talk to them or play with them on the swings.  God is a feeling that you have when you are doing something you love or around people you love."  She said, "What's love?"

"Love is a feeling you get when you're doing something that makes you happy or around people you care about and enjoy.  There are different levels of love.  Like, you love Spiderman but you love Mommy more right?"  She said, "Yea, I love Mommy and I love Spiderman."  I continued, "But if Spiderman was having a birthday party and Mommy was having a birthday party, which one would you go to?"  Her little finger tapped her chin and she said, "Mommy and Spiderman have the same birthday?"  After a long sigh I said, "Yes, now which one would you go to?" 

"We should go to both, we could have one big party and Spiderman could come to Mommy's house and we could go to Chuck E. Cheese."

-DAMMIT! (out loud)