Ever Perform At A Wake

       On a Monday, I get a call from my friend asking if I could drive to a gig in McCallen, Tx on wednesday because of a last minute cancellation of one of the comics on the line-up.  My friend put it more of as a favor, with gas, food, and not much, but some cash would be a trade for just company between friends.  I was hesitant at first, because it's along way for a favor but I decided to go anyway out of "truck it".  The tuesday before my friend's show we get word that one of our comic buddies has passed away.

       The comic that passed away suddenly, was a local comedian from McCallen.  The fallen, was Rey Lopez, a talented, young, and well loved person with potential beyond most comics.  This was very sad news for the people that knew him, worked shows with him, but most of all his family.  The wednesday show my friend was to headline was to be a tribute show after this untimely tragedy.  So my friend Larry, being the good guy he is, asked if he should cancel due to the circumstances and whatever monies he was to get paid be donated to the family.  Larry and Rey were friends and like most Valley comics have a good relationship with SA comics.  He was told that it was ok to do the show because the tribute show was to follow Larry's show, atleast to my understanding.  Plus on a side note, later Larry felt bad about even suggesting to cancel as it was the motto of our friend Rey, that "the show must go on".  Also Larry's children liked christmas presents.

       Fast forward to wednesday at the crack of 3pm.  We begin our mini road trip for the show.  The four hours were nothing special.  Two friends bullshitting.  Gas up, grub and cigarettes.  We arrive an hour before the show starts to the theatre, which is the Historic Cine El Rey.  Walking towards the theatre, over the marquee it says REY LOPEZ FOREVER.

       Suddenly a wave of panic set in as we made our way to the entrance, atleast for me.  There were people already there waiting for the show to start.  Some were crying, which is very understandable, some were talking about Rey with smiles, and some were staring in the distance lost in deep thought.  As Larry and I make our way past the bar into the seating area in the theatre, we meet the owner at his usual spot by the soundboard.  I was very nervous as to what I figured was about to take place that night.  Just then I look at Larry and I see a reflection of "oh shit nigga" written on his face. 

       As it gets closer to showtime, many people who loved Rey start to arrive.  An array of comics, friends, and Rey's close family came to this special night.  The more that people showed up the more Larry and I realized that despite trying to convince ourselves that this was to be treated like a normal show, that impossible notion and professionalism only went so far when the majority of people were sobbing and the air filled with tragedy.

-SHOWTIME-
       The host Mario Salazar takes the stage and maybe does 5 minutes of, not matieral, but more of introducing the show and announcing the tribute show to follow.  This was a smart move.  Mean while, Larry and I are backstage waiting, pacing, and very nervous of what was about to unfold.  Just then Mario brings up the first comic.  The first comic, Jon Stringer, tries to tell stories of Rey with a cracked voice and tears pouring out of his face.  Basically he cries for 10 minutes, which is understandable.  Now, during this time, backstage, I turn to Larry and say, "Hey man, I'm not going up, Jesus Christ."  Larry breaks character, which apparently has never happened before, takes his stupid glasses off, puts on his hoody, zips it up aggressively and says, "Fuck, I dont know if I can do this man." Larry carried on to say, "People are crying and shit, what the fuck man."  I say, " So yeah um, I'll be in the car." 
       
       After a moment of working through nerves and acouple of "shits" and "fucks" being thrown at the floor, Larry puts on his glasses, takes off his hoody and trys to muster up some "I don't give a fuck" courage.  After all, this is what we do.  The wierd thing was Larry had performed at a funeral earlier in the year for our good comic friend, David, who was taken by diabetes.  David wanted a show/roast at his funeral.  For some reason this show was harder though, Larry said.  Maybe it was the circumstances of Rey's death.  He had just turned 23 two weeks before.  Rey had just died the day before.  Rey's parents and siblings were in the front row.  The dark cloud of misery hanging over everybody's head that night was very potent and almost tangible.

       Mario calls out Larry's stage name for his character, which is hilarious itself.  Mario yells into the mic with, "Please everybody, put your hands together for JESUS "WHO FARTED" MENDOZA!"  The unbelieveable moment when I see Larry walk on stage, with his t-shirt reading "who farted?", his glasses hanging off his nose, the obvious facial transformation, and the first words out of his mouth were, "Why is everybody so sad?", just about made me piss myself.  So, Larry does about 20 minutes.  He shits on Mario alot, laced with some ironic hacky jokes.  He finishes and walks backstage where he immediately puked and shit at the same time. Joking.

       Once again Mario's fat ass takes the stage, and before he brings me up, he decides to announce how I really didnt know Rey and he doesnt know why I was there, but anyway give it up folks.  In retrospect, thats comedy gold.  But at the moment when we exchanged mic and handshakes, I tell him, "so now we gotta fight." 

       I knew Rey through comedy.  I knew him as a funny guy that didnt tell obvious fat jokes about his weight.  I knew Rey as a jerk who would win competitions for comedy.  I knew Rey, but Mario was right.  I didnt belong there with all these people that knew him outside of comedy.  The many people crying and laughing as they told stories of Rey, I didnt belong there.  I did belong on the show.  I belonged on the stage as a comic but the awful feeling I felt at that moment when I saw Rey's mom in the audience, was "I'm a phony."  I started with calling Mario evil and it sucks evil lives forever and Rey is no longer here.  Then I begin to pinch the bridge of my nose with frustration and from the back of the theatre I hear a person yell, "keep going man!"  The guy that yelled out thought I was choked up but in reality I was extremely uncomfortable.  I never sweat on stage no matter how long but I was slimey with the adreneline and regret. 

       Imagine having to tell jokes at a wake and there's over a hundred people watching you.  Now imagine you're bombing so bad that a guy feels sorry enough for you, influenced under false pretenses, mind you because of the body language he is misinterpreting, to shout out, "keep going."  NOW IMAGINE you have nothing and you panic and your first (real joke) is a cum joke and it gets half a laugh.  I want to say I did my time but with that feeling, a minute felt like an hour.  Normally I keep my own time but once I saw any light I said thank you and got off stage.

       I hated what I did.  I hated being there.  I hated myself for being a phony.  I hated that random guy for shouting out.  I hated Larry for asking me to drive.  I hated Rey for dying.  I hated everything in that moment that night no matter how illogical it was. 

       Listen, the point of why I'm telling you this story of my life has nothing to do with comedy.  It's about appreciating the moment and opportunity I was given that night.  I didnt realize this until the end of Rey's tribute show that followed Larry's.  The last person to take the stage that night was Rey's mom.  She spoke candid about her son and appreciated all the love in the room that night.  She was a real person who was experiencing a real loss and still managed to say a joke in her monologue.  This woman prepared this with only a day, after her son dies.  That's when I snapped.  I realized the priviledge of being there.  I wasnt around sad people mourning.  I was around sad people celebrating an awesome person's life.  Who the hell am I to be angry or selfish.  I was lucky to be apart of such a beautiful moment.  A moment that will never happen again.

       My experience that night changed me.  First, the "nigga I performed at a wake" mentality which is a morbid badge of comedy still lingers.  Second, how weird Larry is because he donated the CDs he planned to sell for his show to the family.  This gesture was for if anybody donates money to Rey's family, they get a free CD.  Which I thought was gross because it's like promoting yourself at a funeral.  It was funny though, especially on the ride back when Larry asked if that was wrong and I said, "Yup".  Followed by Larry saying, "Really? Aww man."

       Wrapping this up, I'm glad I was apart of the love and beauty that filled the room that night.  I wouldn't trade that experience in comedy for anything.  Rest in Peace Rey and thank you.

Grumpy VS Bad Attitude

        Look, I understand that having a bad attitude isn't desired in the work place or when you have to work together for a common goal but can there be a line drawn for grumpy people v.s. bad attitude.  Not all grumpy people have bad attitudes.  Most are good people that are capable of functioning in society just not at the "speed of nice" as others.
        My "speed of nice" might not be at your pace but give me some time, I can catch up.  Especially in the morning because I'm not the kind of person that talks at the same volume throughout the day.  From 630am to 830am I think we should only communicate by whispering.  Now, if you start with the afternoon voice and keep it all day, you probably think I have a bad attitude when I shh you and point at my watch that says it's only 645am.  If I had a bad attitude I would have said, "Hey, lower your voice dummy, not everybody is fully awake this early."  Then, I would have told people how much of a jerk you were for yelling so early, knowing you were just trying to be nice.  That's a bad attitude for you.
        The line of bad attitude and grumpiness is a thin one but I believe their is a line.  Grumpiness comes to us all.  Some people get grumpy if they haven't eaten, while others if they don't get their $10 coffee.  That doesn't mean they have a bad attitude.  Some people get grumpy because every day they contemplate, is my job even necessary before the sun comes up.  All grumps are judged by people that say that person is not a team player or say that person is always in a bad mood.
        Grumpy people love their job but sometimes not the people they work with.  It's not a bad thing.  Some people can't stand their own family.  Doesn't mean they hate being apart of the family.  Some people don't realize that if they weren't family, there wouldn't be a reason for them to share a meal or even know each other.  Again I understand the need to get along in order to have a healthy work environment but some understanding on Mr. or Ms. "Let's give money to our Boss on Boss's Day" part is necessary.  Listen, I'm not going to pitch in.  That doesn't mean I have a bad attitude.  I'm just grumpy.  I can give a hand shake but that's about as far as somebody deserves for being a decent human-being to work under.  A grumpy person doesn't want to exchange gifts on Christmas at work only to have a $5 limit that, nobody stuck to, except him, be thrown in his face.  That doesn't mean they're a bad person.  A grumpy person doesn't want to participate in a potluck every week.  Lunch is a sacred time.  Lunch is the only time they have away from you so they don't get a bad attitude.
        Bad attitudes are poisons to the organization.  They participate in everything.  They sign up first and are the first person to talk bad on how poorly run the event is compared to how they would have ran it.  Bad attitudes ruin things like potlucks by having crappy food and making everybody try it, with guilt.  The bad attitudes make it a point on boss's day to bring up how small the raise was last year and how they aren't signing there name in the card because the boss sucks. 
        Bad attitudes sour grumpy people's good name.  Please don't emotionally profile grumpy people and lump them into "that guy should just quit because he doesn't fit in here" category.  Please don't emotionally discriminate.  Next time you think someone has a bad attitude, take a step back and ask yourself, "am I too loud in the morning from 630am to 830am.

www.GAcomic.com

Burning Money

      There's a fine line between being forward and being sexually aggressive.  A man skates that line all the time, and in the end, the woman likes it or is repulsed by it.  A man skating that line is a must, and all men hope for is that we aren't vilified if a woman isn't interested.  Rejection is something men have adapted to deal with.

        Women rarely have to worry about being rejected in a direct manner or handle the volume of rejects that a man handles daily.  Women aren't built for rejection.  To reject a woman, especially if she bluntly offers her vagina to a man, is like burning money.  

        We need money and to reject any amount of money no matter worth is blasphemous, but that's if you're poor.  Rich people burn money every day because they have enough of it.  Self respect is like emotional money, and most women are rich compared to their sexual appetite which differs from a man's self respect.  Every now and then a woman's self respect loses its value because the offers to fill her sexual appetite run short.  Like any person suffering starvation, they tend to take matters into their own hands.  Backlash can occur if a woman hasn't estimated a man's wealth of self respect considering women have all but cornered the market on self respect.  The potato sack of rejection never fits well on women. 

        Men are born into this realm of desperation and from adolescence are taught that self respect doesn't get you fed considering sexual appetite.  Men have to figure out self respect when it comes to relationships on our own as we get older.  Women are taught self respect out the womb and have this emotional stiff arm if you aren't giving them what they want to see and hear.  Women have to teach themselves about their own sexual appetite as they get older and have to be ok with losing a little self respect to fulfill this hunger.

        My thoughts on this arose when I was approached by a sexually starved woman who did not take into account of my wealth of self respect.  The role reversal was; a woman came at me with sexual aggression, so I emotionally stiff armed her.  The hunger inside this woman was so strong she flat out offers her vagina as payment to fulfill her own sexual appetite.  Now as a man, my natural instinct was to accept the offer because I'm the one normally wearing the metaphorical potato sack, but my sexual appetite is already being fulfilled so I in turn burned money by denying this woman.  I wasted a beer.  I threw food away and said fuck those starving kids in Africa.    

        Instead of her taking it like a man and just accepting that I wasn't interested, she and her friend began to say that maybe I had a small penis, and that's why I didn't want to have sex with her.  I found this frustrating at first and later on hilarious; because a hungry mouth is hungry no matter how big it is, and I just wasn't. This refusal of responsibility on her part that all men take into account is an awakening that some women aren't ready for.  Most women will blame the man for not wanting sex with them and say things like a small penis is the cause but the fact is; I'm emotionally rich and don't need your potato sack dummy.

        First that logic of  "something is wrong with you for not wanting me" is an arrogance that most women have.  Second it's a hilarious notion that would look stupid on a man, as well.  Picture a man being rejected and then saying it's because your vaginas too small.  As if those are the only factors of why someone wouldn't be interested in someone else. 

        If a woman want's to stoop to a man's level of sexual aggression then they must be prepared for the desperation and rejection, it comes with.  

 WWW.GACOMIC.COM

*commas placed by Jessica Garcia*

Im Only Helping You

            Comedy shows are fun and unlike any other experience in the performing art category.  The jokes, upsurd logic that is presented can carry a rhythm and a tone that the comedian puts countless hours behind.  Music, poetry, dance and other performing arts share similar traits but stand-up comedy, on its own, is a different animal completely.  Stand-up is a constant change of ideas presented with comedic timing and delivery.  Most other forms of live entertainment are played or presented at you, where stand-up is all about the satisfaction of the audience.  With stand up, gears can be switched if the audience isnt feeling the train of thought the comedian presents which is a huge difference than sitting through a movie you hate or listening to a crappy song until you hear the song you like.  A constant battle between artistic integrity and doing your job of getting laughs is internally fought while a comic is on stage.  AND YET SOME PEOPLE JUST TAKE THAT FOR GRANTED AND START ANSWERING RHETORICAL QUESTIONS OR THINK IT'S OK TO "HELP THE SHOW."

            Hecklers.  What can I say that hasnt already been said about dead babies.  They stink.  Hecklers are everywhere in our lives.  The people that interrupt conversations to make a point nobody asked them to make about something off the topic.  These self absorbed drones.  These vile, sometimes racist, boring story telling, billigerent, unapologizing assholes ruin the laughs other people paid for.  The other people, sure they didnt pay to see me but did pay to see PROFESSIONAL COMEDIANS tell jokes. 

           What really gets me angry are the people that use the safety of society.  The confidence of some people when they cant be singled out is through the roof.  If comics were selling jokes on the street, these people wouldnt say a word if being confronted one on one.  But the illusion is "oh Im just speaking for the crowd".  Sometimes I wish the rest of the audience would do what the people on those 9/11 flights should have done and over power these social terrorists.  Social Terrorists. Yes that suits these unoriginals fine.

            The truth is that stand-up comedy is an after thought for most people.  Unlike most medias of entertainment, very few people really enjoy live comedy to their core.  Plus anything live, people feel the risk.  A risk of maybe these people I paid to be funny arent my kind of funny.  I completely understand that logic.  A movie they give you previews to hype it up.  A band will let you listen to songs before you see them in concert.  But a comedy show is a 4D experience because comics are a living, breathing entity feeding the energy of the room or devouring it down.  BUT WHEN ANOTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER SHITS ON THE RISK THE REST OF YOU TOOK, WITH YOUR ONE LIFE, I WISH THE REST WOULD TELL THEM TO SHUT THE HELL UP.  Again this is just a wish and the actual reality of a situation would be to just rise above it.  But being mature, although not fun, is in the long run a better solution to handling jerks.  

             In closing, I understand that there will always be social terrorism.  Some people cant respect the fact the comic on stage didnt just walk off the street but put years into their act.  You social terrorists are not original by answering rhetorical questions because chances are some other delusional dick already anwered that same set up on the last show.  Ive learned that fighting terrorism with terrorism only ruins it for the people trying to enjoy the show.  So this whole thing was for nothing because nothing is going to change.  Ive learned how this post is unoriginal.  Life is empty means nothing.  Bang!


www.gacomic.com

Captain "Save A Country"

                  Issues concerning Syria with the civil dispute and the question of the Syrian government using excessive force against rebels is all over the media.  Allegations of the Syrian Government using chemical agents to neutralize rebel forces has the U.S. government in an uproar.  President Obama has stated that if Syria does not hand over chemical weapons to the U.N., the U.S. will start a military strike on Syria.  These statements and support from the major players like Russia and China, "convinced" Syrian President Bashar al-Assad to agree to the terms of relinquishing and destroying the stock pile at the timeline set by the U.N.

                  With this matter, there is a pattern that I really don't understand.  Maybe because I'm not a player in that game but why the hell does the U.S. always have be the first to intervene.  I love the country I was born in despite its mistakes.  The "freedoms" we experience on a daily basis is a luxury most of us take for granted, but this constant involvement of the U.S. is something that's a little embarrassing.

                  In this case my small mind can only relate the civil war of Syria with the average domestic violence of a crazy couple in your apartment building.  Sure you hear that dude beating the hell out of that lady, but what do you think?  "If he keeps beating her, she'll get tired of it and leave."  So instead of calling the cops you just play the passive aggressive role of asking them to keep the noise down.  What you don't do is arm the lady with a bat for next time they fight.  Because if you do, you're only making the situation worse.  If the lady doesn't beat him, he might  kill her.  Thus America aiding Syrian rebels only made the situation worse resulting in over 1400 deaths of the rebel force.

                  I see the point of  disarming Syria from its chemical warfare tactics but did so many people have to die because of the so called "morality" that the U.S. expects but doesn't follow.  Syrian officials might even face criminal charges in a world court because of those actions, as they should, but is the U.S. really the one to point out the Syrian mistakes after countless mistakes the U.S. has made over the last 12 years of invading countries based on lies?

                  I'm like you, I really don't care about what the world comes to, as long as it doesn't come to my door.  The issue I have is that why can't our government let other countries work stuff out for themselves?  Why do we feel the need to police the world when the U.N. (joke) already has that role.  Ive heard alot of my friends say things like, "lets bomb them all" and I'm confused as to why should we even be there.

                  In my mind, America isn't liked by most of the world.  Other countries take our culture as a novelty act and we could really give a shit but there's this pretentious part about it.  Like we know we suck culturally but we still do nice things for other people.  So the more countries we act like we're helping, we get a piece of what we used to be, back.  Personally I don't care if we suck just so long as we aren't a sucker by being "Captain Save a Country."

                  gacomic.com
                  

Facebook Witness Protection Program

                  The age of social media and instant communication has revolutionized our world in what we think is a positive but in reality we just advanced being a stalker or creep.  The bonds we break in person also have to be broken in the cyber world.  The "Blocks" and "Deletes" we go through can be just as devastating or even more so than the "look we gotta talk" speech and the person may not be ready to let go of all the 9 ways to spy on the person ending the relationship.  Sometimes the jerks are ex-lovers of your new love trying to break you guys up.  And you may not even know why they are contacting you. 

                  Have You or a Fb friend changed their name and started going by a middle name?  If so,  You have just entered into what I call Facebook Witness Protection or FBWP for short.  Sometimes measures have to be taken when a stalker wont stop the harrassment.  Lets run down the steps of FBWP.

                  The first step is set your account to private.  Next, block the parties in question.  Now if this jerk is lazy, that normally stops the (take me back or Biatch you Effing him) messages.  But  if that doesnt work, then you have to move to Phase Two.  Phase Two or "Name Change" is initiated when you start receiving messages from profiles with no mutual friends.  Make no response to these falsehoods.  The (perp), still determined, will be hunting with fake profiles in order to gain location of said "man you Effing" or maybe "why you wont come meet for a drink to just talk about what went wrong".   It's also important when you change your name that you leave a post, while still under your real name saying, "some creep wont stop bothering me so I'm deactivating my account," to really throw them off your scent.  The name change may be difficult to pull off considering that your friends and family may ask questions but for their safety and yours nothing can be disclosed.  In fact cyber communication maybe out of the question for friends/family and you may have to see them in person.
                     
                  There are some other precautions that go along with entering in the FBWP that must be followed.  No "liking" any statuses for the fact, that lowlife maybe still scouring the web for any trace of you.  This is where some people have a hard time.  The procedure for "liking" statuses from now on is private messages.  The new procedure for accepting a friend request is, first you meet in person, then you accept a request.  Rather than just going through the suggestions, a face to face meet is crucial to your safety.  Also any further attempts to be friended with no mutual friends is to be treated as a threat and automatically blocked.

                  People never think of the consequences of the bridge they burn.  Somehow it never occurs to them the lengths people are willing to spy on peoples lives from a safe distance.  The FBWP is real and can help you.  Make these psychopaths resort to old fashion ways of stalking, like driving by your house at night or coincidentally running into you everywhere you go.
                                             -Special thanks to Jen-

                                                               www.gacomic.com